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A few months ago a picture of a magazine article was floating around about how to be a good wife, that purported a cold-war era checklist of the most sexists ways to oppress your wife. With Fathers Day this weekend I thought it was perhaps a good time to establish exactly how to be a good dad:
1) When playing with Lego's, Lincoln Logs, or any other construction activity with your child, be sure to take complete control of the the situation at the first indication of a misplaced block, or log. After finishing your marvel of Lego-architecture, and forcing your child into complete tears, congratulate your self on a job well done.
2) When playing sports with your children to spend quality time together, be sure to completely thrash your tiny offspring, so you can re-live your non-exist ant high-school football days, and forget that you actually were the last to be picked for dodge-ball. After beating your son 23 to nothing, only you will be aware of the complex fantasy going on inside your head in which your 16 again, captain of the team, and enjoying relations with the head of the cheer-leading squad.
3)In order to be a good dad, you must remember to fill your kids heads with complete fabrications of reality, and lies, but only refer to them as jokes if you get caught:
Dad nonsense falls into one of two categories:
Amusement: Any lie told for your own amusement.
For example, telling a child chocolate milk comes from brown cows, and white milk comes from white cows, and then going out of your way to re-enforce this lie, by getting your partner or friends to also agree.
Bar Facts Any lie that is based on a "fact" that you received while drinking:
For example, advising your child that a friend of a friend of yours knows for a fact because he knows a friend of Neil Armstrong, that the moon landing didn't occur, and was filmed in a Hollywood studio.
This also includes any mindless stupid urban myth, such as gay men lighting hamsters on fire when they crawl down a toilet paper roll shoved in their bum.
4) As a good dad it's also important to remind your child that in some way they've ruined your life, with a subtle passive aggressive guilt trip. It usually follows some fantasy of your own life, such as:
Quote:
Oh, I could have become a professional baseball player / business owner, but then "you" came along and we had to use my training camp / business start up money to feed you. Still, I'm not bitter, having kids is reward enough in itself.
5) A good father never pass up the opportunity to humiliate their child in front of the peers by recalling an incident from the past. For example, as a child you might have accidentally demonstrated your potty training success by picking up your poo and carrying it out to your parents. This fact, must be consistently repeated for the remainder of the kid's childhood in front of their friend's so they will proclaim a new nick name for them of Shit Head. |
