Monster Poison Ivy

Monster Poison Ivy

Lately there has been talk of Monster Poison Ivy on a lot of the local newscasts. Fueled by global warming, this supposed evil enemy of the backyard can actually grow 2 to 4 times its normal God given size. The theory is that Monster Poison Ivy growth is a reaction to the increases of Co2 levels released into the environment by cars emissions.

Now I'm no stranger to poison ivy, and while the term "monster ivy" is new, I've certainly had no garden variety growing in one of my backyards since I was a kid. Our entire back of the lot is covered in huge monstrous poison ivy vines that practically swallow my mower whole every time I try to cut them down. Then scream "Feed Me Seymour!"

Since 8 years old, I've known I've been allergic to this monster growing in our back yard. I've avoided mowing the backyard as often as I can. On the few unavoidable situations I've duct-taped my clothes to my shoes and gloves just to prevent contamination.

I will say it now for all those to hear. Poison Ivy is a monster, and it should be destroyed. It is an evil, evil plant that Satan put on this earth to scar us humans. Now for the bad part, there appears to be no way to kill it.

I've tried mowing it, poisoning it, burning it, cursing at it. I've performed exorcisms, called Mystery INC., but yet the monster keeps growing.

So if you ask if I'm scared of Monster Poison Ivy when I fill up my car? The definite answer is yes. It makes me scratch my arm just thinking about it. But to make myself feel better, I'll look at these weird people on the internet who seem to get it much worse then me:

http://www.greensboring.com/poisonivy/blister-scab.jpg

"Now with A Chewy Center

http://www.greensboring.com/poisonivy/bicep.jpg

"I've never had it this bad"

http://www.greensboring.com/poisonivy/digger.jpg

"Finger licking good"

http://www.greensboring.com/poisonivy/bad-ankle.jpg

"Scary hairy people with poison ivy"

http://www.greensboring.com/poisonivy/thigh.jpg

"YOUR GOING TO DIE"