Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris Facts

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After
you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn
baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm
animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good
Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to
tell him.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had
to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
Norris.

15. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in
peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't
was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his mind.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to
live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a drunk. There
were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to
kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck
Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he
had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's
Shakespeare.

30. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
31. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the
Earth down.
32. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik's Cube and poop it out solved.

33. Chuck Norris once ate an entire wooden picnic table whole, With nothing but a
spoonful of Relish as a garnish.

34. If a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, you know who hears it?
Chuck Norris.

35. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

36. During a swimming exercise in freezing cold water, Chuck Norris was doing
roundhouse kicks....2 hours later, the Titanic sank to it's watery grave.

37. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

38. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons
of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid
them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

39. When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck.

40. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

41. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a
stripper in it.
42. Chuck Norris sweats Snapple.

43. Chuck Norris runs with scissors.

44. You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks,
steel, and the tears of small children.

45. Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

46. Chuck Norris is like Pringles. Once he pops he can't stop.

47. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a
burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.

48. Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a power outlet.

49. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.

50. When Chuck Norris plays Tetris, the game runs out of pieces to give him.