Has America lost its manners?

Has America lost its manners?

by Liv | Published on December 9th, 2008, 8:22 am | Life

So yesterday I had a training session at work. It was a typical call center "training". They all have it, it goes by different names... but generally it comes down to this: manners and etiquette. What became abundantly clear as I sat there in the class is that America, or atleast these 20 or so co-workers couldn't make the connection that sometimes you say thing to people as a courtesy.

Sometimes you say your sorry when you don't really mean it. They couldn't put themselves in other people's shoes. Our company decided to create a 1.5 hour session to teach people how to apologize empathatically, and assure them in our product and our service when we make mistakes. I've always assumed that came with the job title, but it was really hard for my co-workers to establish the idea, especially when they believed it was by no fault of their own or our company's.

So basically I had 1.5 hour period for observation to watch people argue why they couldn't say they're "sorry". Part of the process was to indicate that "you really mean it too".... which became even more the harder for some. What I came to realize, what I began to understand is these skills, these tools, which I took for granted in my Euro-American Midwest upbringing isn't something that is common among everyone. To be fair, even I had difficulty finding the appropriate phrases for certain situations.

It's almost as though we've lost the vocabulary. Brit's still have it. The Bahamas had it when I went. Mexico did as well. I can't count on all my fingers and toes how many "sorry, love" or "so, sorry" replies we got from random strangers in London every time I accidentally rammed my fat butt into someone over there. Try that in NY and you're likely to get an American one finger salute. It goes even further. We had questions as to what to say when people die. In my head I'm thinking the traditional reply would be "my sincere condolences", wanting it to scream it, getting ever so frustrated the disconnect here.

Then there was the example session. On almost every occasion they would say "we're sorry" or "They're sorry"... never "I'm sorry". Our session leaders didn't seem to argue. They seemed to feel as any "sorry" was better than none. To me, if I was a customer I would feel patronized. As if the representative was only saying it to say it in order to meet some requirement.... and isn't that exactly the problem?

No one is sorry, no one cares. "Thank you", "Sorry", even reassurances like "no worries", "no problems".... they've slipped from the American mindset. It's an indicator of the bigger problem. America is self-obssessed with itself. Why should we feel sorry, why should we care? "It's not my problem."

To me it seems self-destructive. If we can't be kind to the people in our lives, the relationships we interact with whether big or small, then what's the point of life? It's not for the flat-screen, the 20" dubs, or the silly little things that we think make up our life. It's the people. It's the connections we make, and it's being lost.

I think there is often a confusion between "I'm sorry" and "It's all my fault" and some people feel the acnkowledgment of empathy implies an admission of liability or weakness.

I know that's a major issue with most of the individuals and I really do understand how they feel. It's easy to fall into that mode, but in the same sense that the reason they're not showing concern is because they don't care that these people have been inconvenienced...

When a society loses its morality as best illustrated by the lack of respect for, or adherance, to the Ten Commandments as our Western Civilization has done then there is no standard of behavior as each person decides for themselves what is right or wrong behavior. This being the case society is faced with the chaos of bad decisions based on the infantile ego trying to avoid responsibility. This is what our society has come to by insisting that everyone is right and all behavior must be not only accepted but respected. When there is no wrong then there can be no right Dear.

Good post. It is a shame that those who need its message most will not recognize themselves as they do not admit their need. You are the sweetest person Liv and you want so for all people to be nice to each other as you are yourself most of the time. Sorry that it will not happen. There was a better time than the present. Not that people were better, but because society demanded certain behavior from individuals regardless of how they believed they were entitled to behave and promised censure and shunning if the bad mannered did not comply. BB

Brenda... I like the argument, but I'm not sure if it stands. I mean Europe is practically atheist by American standards... yet, as I mentioned the level of common courtesies exhibited were proportionately different IMHO.

I honestly don't think it's morality that is affecting manners, but merely practice, and perhaps linguistics which have fallen out of practice. I mean... we live differently here. We get in our cars, drive to work, sit in divided partitioned walls, sit in reserved tables at restaurants. We even developed 8 passenger vehicles to cruise our family of four around with enough room to have the seat in between us.

We've lost are ability to communicate. "Pass the salt", elbows off the table. How many people can tell you the precise layout for a basic table setting? Isn't this parenting 101? Why did parents stop teaching it, or when did we think it wasn't important?

Americans are isolated. We don't even have to talk to the pizza guy to order it, have it sent to our home, and barely interact with anyone.

BrendaBee wrote:When a society loses its morality as best illustrated by the lack of respect for, or adherance, to the Ten Commandments as our Western Civilization has done then there is no standard of behavior as each person decides for themselves what is right or wrong behavior.

We'll go for the protestant version of the BIg 10.

What part of ignoring
"I am the Lord your God. You shall have no other gods before me; You shall not make for yourself an idol"
negatively affects other people?

I mean, if I want to make myself a little Flying Spaghetti Monster out of whole wheat pasta, what business is it of yours? How does my doing so hurt you?

How about " Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy"?

if it's ignored and people don't go to church or temple ( by the way, have y'all settled it once and for all whether we're talking Saturday or Sunday? ) what's fhe problem?

Those two commandments have nothing to do with common courtesy or polite behavior- far from it.
(Unless you're a god and are easily offended and need to be petted and praised and have to crash on the 7th day because your battery got totally drained from "creating" stuff on the prior 6 and you desperately need the adulation of and imitation by your lowly " creations". )

The Golden Rule is where it's at.

BrendaBee wrote:When a society loses its morality as best illustrated by the lack of respect for, or adherance, to the Ten Commandments as our Western Civilization has done then there is no standard of behavior as each person decides for themselves what is right or wrong behavior. This being the case society is faced with the chaos of bad decisions based on the infantile ego trying to avoid responsibility. This is what our society has come to by insisting that everyone is right and all behavior must be not only accepted but respected. When there is no wrong then there can be no right

I'm not going to be as polite as Liv. This is nonsense. What countries do you feel best represent Old Testament morality? Are they regarded for their politeness?

A few years ago Reader's Digestdid a survey

I don't see any correlation with Old Testament morality. Which is not surprising since it is silent on the subject of manners.

Liv when I use the Ten Commandments as a guide to good behavior and morality I am not referring to the Bible or religion. The Ten Commandments came about over centuries as societies of people were formed and it was realized that certain behaviors were required and certain behaviors were to be avoided if people were to co-exist. The Old Testament in large part is a history of the Jewish people and guide to daily living rather than a holy or religious text. Read it and you will see all the rules and regulations that have nothing to do with religion. The admonition against pork we now understand as being valid because of the high expectation in that day of contracting trichinosis from pork. The admonition against mixing bloods can be understood in light of AIDS. I hope this explains how and why I use the Ten Commandments as representative of the moral values and thus morals that govern society.

You are correct in saving that much of Europe is either out right atheistic or merely pay lip service to religion much more so than we in the United States. But they are also an old society that has learned the value of adhering to certain behaviors which is best laid out in the Ten Commandments. They are also a society that do indeed shun those who do not adhere to some standard of decent behavior. Oh they have their scandals that the so-called "yellow sheets" report and the people love to read and talk about. But on a daily basis the people treat each other with common courtesy. The same is true in Asian societies who are an even more polite people. And again looking at their values they pretty much follow the Ten Commandments which are pretty much the laws that were supposed to have been handed down by Budda. The older societies found it more relevant to the people if these laws developed by the people themselves were attributed to their particular religion.

On the other hand, the new societies such as ours and Australia's have not yet realized the benefits of some standards of behavior for all of its people and give more latitude to individual rights of determination. So you have people making poor choices in their attitudes and behaviors. There are no accepted standards to guide behavior. As I said above: if there is no wrong way of behaving in society then there can not be a right way. There is only chaos and this continual bickering over right and wrong and rights of individuals as opposed to the rights of the society as a whole (the majority).

Morals have nothing really to do with religion at all. Morals are the beliefs we individuals have that guide us to inflict as little pain as possible on others while still maintaining our individuality.

I sincerely hope you can understand what I am trying to say Dear, BB