Family closure on loss

Family closure on loss

by SouthernFriedInfidel | Published on May 19th, 2008, 1:15 pm | Life

A little more than a year and a half ago, my Dad died. We had discussed with him the idea of donating his body to Duke medical school for the "Anatomical Gifts" program, and he had agreed... so on the day of his death, the funeral home that handled arrangements for us made the necessary calls and got everything set up.

It took quite a while for the medical school to wrap up their work with his body, but back in February, we finally received his ashes.

I thought that was about all we could expect from the school... a cardboard box with ashes and the necessary paperwork to verify that everything had been carried out according to the law. That's what had happened with Mom when her body had been donated to Bowman Gray back in 2004.

Well, this weekend, I found out that it wasn't QUITE all. Duke's medical school every year holds a memorial service for all of the donors who supplied them with cadavers. They have a service in Duke Chapel, followed by a reception in Duke Gardens. I'm really looking forward to this. It's a very nice touch, I think, and will help my sister to get a little closer to that "closure" that she seems to need.

Perhaps the folks at Bowman Gray also do this, but I never heard of it if Dad got any similar invitation. In any event, this sort of thing is worth remembering if any family member is considering going this route when they die.

Wow, thanks for mentioning this, this is truley amazing. I've often wondered how that works and am highly considering it.

That's top drawer stuff right there SFI. I am 99% sure this will be the route I go. Its great to get a first-hand account.

Since you mentioned it, I think Duke Gardens is beautiful. I wish we had something like that here in Gboro.

Sanjuro wrote:Since you mentioned it, I think Duke Gardens is beautiful. I wish we had something like that here in Gboro.

Speaking of that, just last week, my family and I went to visit the Centennial gardens for the first time. It was a little bit like Duke gardens in places. Might have been peaceful if it hadn't been for the Holden Rd traffic roaring past incessantly. But there are some very nice little gardens set aside from the main pathways that are wonderful for sitting and thinking.

We didn't get over to the Bog Gardens at that visit. We'll try and have a look there some time.

Uh if you've never been to Bog... you're truly missing out.... It's probably one of my favorite places in the boro. Take a loaf of stale bread when you go.

When my father died last fall I asked about donating his body, but was told that there was no demand for which I have to say I was relieved. We just held a quiet non-ceremony which was all over whithin 4 days of his death and then had a wake for all of his friends.

We have yet to dispose of his ashes. Until I looked into it I never realized the issues that can result.

Apparently Disney have a real problem with people scattering ashes, mostly in the hauted house but on other rides too. When the find out they have to close the ride and vaccum it up so rather than your loved one's ashes decorating the Haunted House they end up in a dump.

Some natural areas receive so much ash that it affects the local flora and fauna, it's a natural fertilizer.

Given his love of boats, we'll likely do it over some body of water, but it doesn't seem time yet.

I'm leaning for someone to dump mine out of "the eye" in London at this point....

My parents had some interesting requests for ash disposal. They wanted their ashes mixed together and scattered at a spot where they loved to visit up on the Blue Ridge Parkway. We're holding off on that until my sister feels a little more comfortable with the idea.

Dad wanted a bit of his ashes to be scattered in the yard of the house in Lawford (near Colchester) where he grew up. I told him that this would be a pretty damn big problem to try and fulfill, considering. So he sort of backed off on that one.

It would never have occurred to me to ask for my ashes to be scattered at Disney. They are such neat freaks there that I'd not even dream of doing something like that... though a couple of pinches in the gardens at Epcot might not be so bad. No, I think my only request would be to scatter my ashes in the ocean. Maybe at the sites of the best dives I've had in my life, like at Maui or Grand Cayman. But hey... that's mostly a matter for my family to decide on, really.

Now, I have a friend who lost his mother a few months back, and one of her final wishes was for her family to take a cruise to the Caribbean and scatter her ashes along the way. The family refused, saying that they didn't like cruises. To each his/her own, I guess.

A while back, I mentioned here that our family had agreed to donate my Dad's body to the Duke Medical School's Anatomical Gifts program. Today, they held a memorial service for the families of donors whose bodies had been used during the prior year.

It was an interesting experience, and a positive one in my view. The coordinator of the AG program started things off... by mentioning that he had talked with some relatives who were a little hostile to the program. Apparently they had objected to the idea of their loved one volunteering their bodies to the school, but they at least showed up to participate in the memorial service.

Things got off to a bit of a rocky start, because this coordinator felt impelled to try and comfort those relatives who objected. So he told a story -- prefacing it with "I'm not sure how much of this is true... you can draw your own conclusions." I thought Hoo boy. If that doesn't signal some mystical BS, I don't know what could! He proceeded to tell a sappy story of a woman who was distraught by the loss of her little boy to cancer, then going home to cry herself to sleep. When she woke, she found a letter from her son next to her, that was written from heaven in ink that only she could see. Oy vey.

Anyway, after he did his best to pacify the objectors, things settled down. Other officials from the medical school and a couple of interns got up to tell the audience (there were about a hundred folks there all told) about how great it was for students in all sorts of sectors of the schools to have the opportunity to get familiar with real human anatomy, and to do research and practice surgery on the cadavers before moving on to live patients.

In the end, they read the names of the donors for the past year. They asked that a family member stand up when the name was called, and that family member received a basket of flowers. After this, everyone was given a pass for parking at Duke Gardens, where they held a nice reception. Before we left, one of the AG program officials came to our table to thank us personally for helping out. We had a pleasant conversation, and I asked a few questions about the program and its future. It appears that it is expanding, and that the old weight limits that they used to operate under no longer apply. They also appear to be well ahead of the curve as far as standards of care and self-regulation are concerned. These people are driven by an overarching ethic of family care and excellence.

In the garden behind the main center, there is a small memorial area where a plaque is placed every year with the names of the donors. We all went out into the sunshine and strolled around the grounds, enjoying the warm breeze and beautiful landscape. Overall, I think it was a terrific way to wrap up the whole donation experience. While the subject may not be a happy one for many folks, I think it should be something that all ought to seriously consider.

It seems a truly heroic way of anyone being able to immortalize their life. Sounds really great.